Friday, July 8, 2016


I woke up today, wanting to name-call and finger-point and throw a temper tantrum, all while climbing under my rock. I can't. I won't. I am called to be loving to all, to extend the Grace which was extended to me. ***sigh*** It's hard sometimes... Two wrongs won't make it right -- nothing and no one can undo what has been done, or undone. Name-calling and finger-pointing and temper tantrums will not fix things. Climbing under a rock doesn't make it all go away. We HAVE to find a way to end this cycle of hatred. Drop the labels. Stop with stereotypes. Call evil what it is. We must find a way to unite beyond the boundaries of color, orientation, religion. We must stop taking things so personally, being SO sensitive -- stop living as though the world revolves around our lone self, like some spoiled toddler who doesn't get his/her way. We need to take pride in our humanity, compassion, caring, and uniqueness. We are all different. We all have "history." We have all walked our own difficult paths, and no two are alike. Your struggles are real. So are mine. So are my neighbor's. So are my kids'. Let's stop trying to one-up each other, reducing the other's struggles to a speck so that ours can be "the most important thing in everyone's world." My daughter was in the ER last summer, in excruciating pain. Her dad and I were very worried. It had been a very rough time (she hemhorraged after her tonsillectomy), and we were all exhausted. They gave her pain meds, and told her to press the call button when it wore off. It never worked, so we pressed the call button. No one came. Several nurses walked by, but she wasn't "their" patient. Finally, someone came in to see what she needed (her pain meds weren't working), and left. Outside our "door" (curtain), he said, "I hate that people come in here thinking that their emergency is the worst one here." Umm, exCUSE me? For every person in the ER, their emergency is just that -- an emergency. I get that they triage, yada yada yada, but his callous response to what we were going through, whether directed at our situation or not (it turned out her IV was not in correctly, and the pain meds were not going into her vein -- they were spilling into her tissue in her arm), was completely uncalled for, and extremely insensitive. To me, my daughter's complications were terrifying; to the person in the room next door to us, their problems were terrifying. To the person next to them, THEIR problems were terrifying. Get the point? Don't you see? It's all in perspective. It's all about what we bring to the situation with us -- our past hurts & joys, successes & failures. Who are you to judge my experiences? Who am I to judge yours? We need to dig deep and find our compassion and empathy. We need to throw off our predjudices and preconceived ideas about the people around us, and take them for who they are. Actions may speak louder than words, but video doesn't always tell the whole story. We rely so much on social media for our news (go ahead and tell me you don't -- I won't believe you, because I see what you post), and we are so quick to have a knee-jerk reaction to "social wrongs," that we forget that people make mistakes, and there may be more to the story than meets the eye. I don't believe that cops go around shooting people for pleasure. I know too many, and they are good people. But they are faced with garbage (literally) that we know nothing about. A friend's hubby was filling his squad car with gas, and some lunatic ran up and dumped a garbage can on the hood of his car. Why? Another local officer was berated with profanities and insults for pulling a woman over who was speeding. Why? Likewise, I don't believe that every protester out there is hell-bent on chaos. Please, I'm begging you -- dig deep. Forgive. Look for the positives. Overlook "insults". Don't become so filled with hate that the cycle continues. Don't assume that because I am sympathetic to the plight of our officers that I think corruption is okay -- it's not.
The struggle is real. I still want to cry and scream and stomp my feet and pound the floor, name-calling and finger-pointing all the way to my hole in the ground. But I won't. I can't. I have a responsibility to my family, to model the behaviors that I hope they will exhibit. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Gentleness. Faithfulness. SELF-CONTROL. And I have a responsibility to my Savior, to model the behaviors that He modeled for me. Grace. Forgiveness. Strength. Expectations. 2nd chances. LOVE. "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."  (1 John 4:  7-12, NIV)

Friday, March 11, 2016


I wrote this during a particularly difficult time in my life.  I'm happy to say that things DO get better.  My hubby and I are still together.  My kids are all still alive, and we still speak. Life is good.

My point:  Things can seem bleak. Hopeless. Dark.  Lonely.  Sometimes, we have things that weigh so heavily on us that we can't bear it.  When everything is dark, seek the light.  When all else fails, PRAY.  We are not meant to carry our burdens alone.  Lay them down, at the foot of the cross.  Lay them down.  

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Romans 8: 38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

See? We aren't alone.

No one knows my silent hell. 
No one knows the constant emotional pain I endure. 
I have no one to tell. 
No one.
I am alone. 
Some days, I feel like I'm going to explode.
There goes my head.
Today is one of those days.
So much pressure.
So much responsibility.
I have no one to talk to.
Well, no one I feel like I can talk to.
My friends are busy.
My spouse is in a mid-life crisis.
My kids have issues.
I have issues!
Other family members wouldn't understand...
(or, I don't want to even try to explain it)
Days like today, I feel alone.
But I know that this isn't really true.
On my darkest, saddest days, there is
     One who is listening.   
     One who is supportive.
     One who is here.
I just can't "see" Him.
Sometimes, I wish He would pull up a chair, or burn a bush and talk to me.
Especially right now.
My life -- my self -- is at a breaking point, and
     I don't know what to do.
     I don't know if I have the strength to go on like this.
(No, I'm not contemplating suicide!)
If I could support my kids alone, I would leave.
But I can't.
Not financially. 
Not emotionally.
Not while I'm battered and bruised.
I don't want to be here
     in this house.
     in this "place."
     in this part of my life.
Can I just move on now?
Help me.
I'm drowning.
Seriously, something has to give.